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The following is used by permission and taken fromConscious Discipline by Becky Bailey, PhD.
Watch a toddler. If you say, “Don’t touch the lamp,” what does the child do? She will look at you, look at the lamp, point to it, touch it and then look back at you – usually with a big smile. Her brain heard, “Touch the lamp,” so she looks at you proudly as if to say, “Hey! I did it! I touched the lamp!” Imgaine her confusion when you growl, “What did I tell you?” and push away her little hand. No wonder we all need therapy!
As an adult, you probably make the connection between a negative command (”don’t hit”), and a positive alternative (”talk through your problems”). For young children, this is impossible. Children younger than five or six simply do not understand conjugated verbs such as “don’t”. When you say, “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” you actually increase the chances that your child will “disobey” and that you will get to watch them grind broccoli in living color.
Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, redirect the child. When she spots the lamp, you could say, “You see the pretty lamp. Put your hand in mine and I will show you how to touch delicate objects that might break.” Perhaps you do not want to teach the child how to touch the lamp. Then you could say, “You see the pretty lamp. Let’s look at this truck. I will roll it to you. Whee!” Then push the truck over to the child. Have fun with the alternative you choose. Children, like all of us, respond to enthusiasm.
It’s so simple, but makes complete sense. I read this, and went, “No wonder they do the opposite of what I want them to do!” This fall, I purchased a copy of the book for each one of my teachers, and there are lots more nuggets of parenting gold where this comes from. I’ll be blogging more as I go through her book.
In the meantime, if you’d like more information about Becky Bailey and Concious Discipline, visit her website.
-by Miss Analiisa, who is going to make an effort to tell her children what she WANTS them to do, not what she DOESN’T!
